Cynicism from a Pro

About the most annoying news obsession of this week was the endless speculation about how Obama would “do” with his speech at the Tucson memorial.  All the pundits eagerly awaiting “the speech” so they could hold up their scores as if it was an Olympic diving event.  This is my scorecard.

First let me piss off all the Oprah psychobabble types that buy into this “everyone grieves in their own way” thing.  No they don’t.  People that are grieving do not hoot and holler.  Nor do they spray silly string on their child’s grave.  Grieving people are suffering loss.  That does not involve any aerosol products aside from the spray cheese-in-a-can that a friend might bring to the mourner’s home.  I would recommend a chicken casserole but cheese-in-a-can might be the best some non cooks can do.

No one has a stadium full of people grieving their loss.  Not even Mother Teresa.  That does not mean that thousands are not saddened by the loss but it is impossible for one person to have thousands of intimate friends.  If you only know “of” me, you don’t need to attend my funeral.  You don’t need a “healing process” when I pass.

People grieve privately.  Memorial services are not about grieving.  Or about “the healing process”.  Attendees are there to show respect and admiration for the deceased to those that were closest to the dead.  I have never left a funeral and said “step one of the grieving process done”.  My departing thoughts are that I hope I expressed sympathy, empathy and my respect for the deceased to the family.  I have never done that with applause.

I want grieving at my funeral.  No aerosol cans.  Weeping, moaning, sobbing, people thrashing about and throwing themselves on my casket.  That is what I want.  My funeral won’t be about me.  It will be about those that survive me.  My wishes might or might not be carried out by my survivors.  I hope they do what they want because at that point, I won’t be bitching about anything they decide.  I hope those attending my funeral take the time to reflect on me and when they think back on my funeral, I hope the word that comes to mind is dignity.

No funeral or memorial service needs an emcee.  If the words “Please welcome to the stage…” are uttered you have a drag queen contest or a celebrity roast.  Not a funeral or memorial service.

Grieving people don’t attend a service wearing their school colors and sneakers.  I don’t hate my alma mater but it does not define me.  There is life after school.  Find it and abandon the rabid obsession with the school.

The Tucson memorial service was the first I have seen with a theme.  Sloganeering is part of the psychobabble.  It takes a marketing company to throw a memorial service today complete with souvenirs.  “My Mom attended Tucson and all I got was this lousy tee shirt.”  I wonder who holds the copyright for “Together We Thrive:  Tucson and America”?  If I had moved faster, I could have set up a kiosk outside the stadium and sold vuvuzelas.

The start of the rally – I mean memorial was odd.  Well not so much odd as incredibly asinine.  Where does Native American come into this?  And if we are going to lick the asshole of the politically correct psychobabble wackjobs, can we at least find a real Native American?  Is that one of those jobs that “Americans won’t do”?  Memorial services don’t have feathers and buffalo worship unless at least one of the deceased has some connection to Native Americans.  And if you can’t find a real Native American to smoke the peace pipe, consider skipping that segment and move on into the Wicca priestess segment.

Brewer was not the Wicca priestess.  I thought her speech was appropriate and tasteful.  Personally, I would prefer that she decline the invitation to speak but I suppose that was impossible.  That Napolitano imbecile that was supposed to prevent these kind of things from happening played the Wicca priestess role.

I don’t recall much about the Hernandez speech but I will say he was right about one thing.  He is not a hero.  He did what anyone would do if placed in that situation.  Do you think he would elect to be in that situation if he knew what was about to transpire?  I doubt it.  I guess he could have done some nelly screaming panic act instead of what he did.  He does seem to be enjoying his 15 minutes of fame and is playing the false modesty role to its best.  He should have declined to speak.

As should Holder.  What the hell does he have to do with any of this?

I half way listened to Obama.  Twitter was much more interesting.  The text of his speech was posted and I read it.

How many of the words of his “healing” speech do you think he wrote?  How many people consulted and strategized over countless iterations of the speech?  I would not be shocked to hear that focus groups involved.  Everything Obama does is for his own political image and power.  This speech was nothing more than another political opportunity.  A well practiced act feigning sincerity with words he did not write.  A speech written by Obama would sound closer to his beloved Reverend Wright than what we heard.  The words rang hollow.  Words must match deeds to be credible.  No one can “heal” a nation of people he leads but does not respect.

Days too late to be calling off the venom spewed by his political allies.  When you lead a political party that will make excuses for an ally involved in incest but thrill at every example of hypocrisy in their political opposition, you need to avoid that hypocrisy thing in your own life.  Your rhetoric should avoid “we will bring a gun” if you want to blame your opposition for Tucson.

Memorial services should never have medical updates and news flashes.  It is unseemly because it looks as if this little tidbit was deliberately withheld from the public so you could have an applause line. I want to be the star at my funeral.  I don’t want medical updates given of people that are considered more important than me.  Give me one hour of me, me, me as I depart this world and don’t try to upstage me in this hour.  I will do the same for you if you exit before me.

People that live their entire lives focused on political aspiration should envision themselves at events like this when choosing a spouse.  Don’t pick anyone that can’t carry off sincerity.  Also don’t pick one that looks as if she could have been a man in her early life.  Find one that has a sense of propriety.  If she lacks it, at least be sure she will listen to an image consultant so she won’t try to choose youthful fashion fads instead of clothes appropriate to a public appearance.  Also be sure she won’t try to feign tears.  If people know she is a hard ass bitch that is incapable of feeling empathy, don’t let her try to fake sorrow at your public appearances.

Some of life’s rites are too important to be used by politicians with overinflated egos.  Some of life’s rites should be solemn.  Politicians that use such rites to polish their image are amoral bastards and we should all feel humiliated that such a man leads our nation.  He as much as admitted that his choice to attend church in Chicago was because it furthered his political aspirations.  Not because he agreed with the moral tenets of the church.  Anyone that does that is evil.  Keep them out of your life and don’t let them show up when you are mourning the loss of a loved one.

I don’t recall seeing the families of the dead at this memorial service.  Politicians were front and center.  It was a star studded gala attended by people that have bought into the psychobabble telling them they “need a healing process” and politicians are the ones to provide it.  Politicians and a fake Native American medicine man.

The nation does need healing.  From uneducated voters that think a politicians should usurp the role held by religion for centuries.  Personally, I would rather have one sincere friend attend my funeral than the entire Obama administration.

When I die, I won’t be judging the importance of my life by the number of people attending my funeral.  And don’t feel an obligation to attend if we were casual friends.  In the months following my death, check on those that were closest to me.  Be sure they have a healthy stock of spray cheese-in-a-can.  Don’t feel like you have to remember me as a saint because even the best actor could not pull that off with sincerity.  If given the choice of peeing on my grave or having a politician attend my funeral, I’d opt for the pee.  A politician at my funeral is not my preferred desecration.

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One Response to Cynicism from a Pro

  1. Annie says:

    Funerals shouldn’t have Nielsen ratings.

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